Neon Genesis Evangelion: Poop Pebbles
by OXYCODONEFROG
Summary: A short, inane, moronic fic written by an equally short, inane, and moronic author. Abandon all hope, ye who expect a decent fanfic!


Okay, right off the bat: If you cannot tolerate moronic fanfics, I highly recommend clicking as far away from this fic as possible.

This is supposed to be a silly, stupid little fic. I had a wonderful time writing it, and I hope that my brainchild can make you, at the bare minimum, crack a grin.

Enjoy~!

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gainax, or any of their associates.

/ / /

Neon Genesis Evangelion: Poop Pebbles

_ Central Dogma, NERV HQ_

Gendo Ikari leered down at Ritsuko Akagi.

Ritsuko Akagi peered up at Gendo Ikari.

"Well?" Dr. Akagi asked, taking a sip of coffee. "What do you need me to do? Damnit Gendo, I've been up for fifty-seven hours straight, and coffee can't keep me up for much longer."

"I urinated in your coffee."

Dr. Akagi did a spittake.

Gendo grinned.

/ / /

In retrospect, Misato concluded that perhaps she shouldn't have douched with LCL.

Even if it was kinky as fuck.

/ / /

Unit 01 mentally grimaced; its servomotors kicking into overdrive as processed this latest problem.

_"Come on, Yui!" _Unit 02 whined. _"It shouldn't be THAT difficult!"_

Unit 00 sighed. _"Quit complaining; you're throwing her off."_

_ "I can't help it! I want it to be my tuuuuurrrrnnnnn!"_

Unit 00 sweatdro- er, LCLdropped. _"… The scary thing is, I can't tell if you're being serious or not."_

_ "I'm Kyoko, not Sirius."_

_ "CABBAGE!" _Unit 01 roared triumphantly.

Unit 02 paused for a few seconds. _"… Eclectic." _

_ "Cesium." _Unit 00 replied.

_"Is it just me," _Unit 01 said, _"or is it sad that this one of the few things we do to keep ourselves entertained?"_

_ "That doesn't start with 'C'"_ Unit 00 and Unit 02 said.

Unit 01 facepalmed.

_"Sore loser!" _Unit 02 snarked.

/ / /

The scenario was falling apart before his eyes.

The Angels had started to attack Tokyo-Three far sooner than anticipated, and in different forms, to boot.

Then his son ran away. That was expected. What was not expected was that he had taken the first, second, and fifth children along with him, in addition to Major Katsuragi. What was even more unexpected was Shinji had become, in essence, a sugar daddy.

Then his sub-commander impregnated Lieutenant Ibuki, who was thought by all to be a lesbian.

"Not after I was through with her," Fuyutsuki would say when asked about said event.

Then Adam had been permanently blinded due to the Commander's negligence whilst polishing the Ikari Torpedo.

Finally, Chairman Keel had revealed that he was, indeed, a young hot chick.

But _this. This _was the straw that broke the camel's back. _This _was the thing that completely and utterly baffled Gendo Ikari.

"So… Let me get this straight…" He said. "You want to quit working for NERV and become the world's first dubstep singers?"

Units 00, 01, and 02 nodded in unison.

"And… And you also wish to accompany them?"

The MAGI chimed the affirmative.

/ / /

Kaoru, AKA Kaworu, AKA Tabris, blinked. "So… Shinji-kun, what you're saying is…"

"I know you're an angel." Shinji sighed. "And that you'll try to re-awaken Adam sometime soon. However, I have a little theory that could mean you don't have and/or want to trigger Third Impact."

Kaoru blinked again. "I am unsure if this will work, Shinji-kun."

"Please stop blinking."

Shinji pressed his fingers together.

And the eye drops fell into the Angel's eyes, instantly turning the pupils from a vivid scarlet to an oceanic blue.

"W-well?" Shinji asked tentatively. "How're you feeling, Kaoru-kun?"

"Oh my God…" Kaoru whispered. "I-I… The burning… My eyes don't burn anymore!" He hugged Shinji and laughed. "My eyes don't burn or itch anymore! Thank you, Shinji-kun!" The silver-haired boy became a bit bashful. "I suppose it was highly illogical and immature of my family and I to want to kill the Lilim because our eyes itched."

"Meh, everybody makes mistakes."

/ / /

Asuka locked herself in Misato's bathroom.

She took out a can of shaving cream.

With carefully measured movements, Asuka sprayed a small amount of the foamy substance onto her finger. Then she placed the shaving cream under her nose and sculpted it into a small rectangle.

Asuka looked at her mustachioed visage in the mirror. "He was a very, very bad man, Asuka."

/ / /

_Hikari Hokari dock!_

_ The Shinji ran up the clock!_

_ Hikari Hokari dock!_

_ The clock struck one!_

_ Hikari Hokari dock!_

_ The Shinji shat himself from fright!_

_ Hikari Hokari dock!_

/ / /

Rei and the genetically modified penguin stared at each other.

"Wark?"

"No."

"Wark wark?"

"I refuse."

"Wark. Wark wark wark, wark wark. Wark?"

Rei sighed. "You are positive that there will be no negative repercussions?"

"Wark!"

"Very well, then."

_ Two Weeks Later_

"Happy Birthday, Shinji!" The numerous people crowding Misato's apartment cried.

Shinji blushed. "H-huh? Eh? A-ah, t-thank you, everyone…"

"Don't mention it, kiddo!" Misato crowed, slapping the teenager on the back. "Family's family, after all!"

"Come on, Baka!" Asuka hollered, pushing Shinji into the apartment's living room. "I don't know why the others want to do this for a pervert like you, but I want some damn cake!"

Shinji opened his mouth, about to defend himself, or, more likely, apologize, when he froze.

Sitting on the rickety coffee table was a tremendous chocolate cake. Layers upon layers of the sweet, sweet confection were stacked upon each other, creating a towering chocolate monolith approximately three feet tall. Fifteen candles were embedded in the top of the cake, not piercing the green frosting that spelled out _Happy Birthday, Shin-chan!_

Shinji wept tears of pure joy. Never before in his hollow little life had he been so happy or seen something so beautiful. He turned around, blubbering happily at the people he had grown to call his friends, nay, family, before turning to look at the cake again…

… And screamed as a naked Rei exploded out of the top.

"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, Shinji-kun…" She said; ignoring the shocked and/or outraged looks the other partygoers were giving her.

Shinji fainted.

Pen Pen tottered up to Rei, dragging a brand new DVD player behind him. "Wark!"

Rei nodded graciously towards Pen Pen, before bending over (much to the horror of everybody else, save for Kaji and Maya), balanced the machine on the top of her head, and strolled out the door without speaking a work.

There was silence.

Asuka feebly blew on a noisemaker.

/ / /

The gigantic creature known as Zeruel vehemently cursed in his language.

He was intimidating.

He was powerful.

He could fly.

And God damnit, he could make things go boom with _lasers!_

But his jackass siblings thought it would be funny to replace his arms with…

_"TOILET PAPER!" _Zeruel howled, promising himself that the pain inflicted on his siblings by the Lilim would pale in comparison to what he would do to them.

/ / /

Asuka opened the door to her bedroom, expecting to flop down on her nice, cozy bed and have a nice, long sleep after her hard, hard day.

She then saw that the fifth child was sitting on all fours on her bed, wearing her clothes.

She also noticed that the third child, wearing Misato's one-piece swimsuit, was inhaling a white powder off of the rear end of the fifth child.

Asuka closed the door. _"The couch it is, then."_

/ / /

Asuka opened the door to her bedroom, expecting to flop down on her nice, cozy bed and have a nice, long sleep after her hard, hard day.

She then saw that the fifth child was sitting on all fours on her bed, wearing her clothes.

She also noticed that the third child, wearing Misato's one-piece swimsuit, was inhaling a white powder off of the rear end of the fifth child.

Asuka stepped into the room, a demonic smirk adorning her face. "Third, Fifth; as of this moment, you are both my bitches."

She shut the door behind her.

There was screaming.

/ / /

Even though the Shadow of Adam was killing him, the Third Angel couldn't help but think one thing.

_"You go first, they said. It'll be fun, they said." _

/ / /

"Hey."

Nobody replied.

"Hey!" Gendo said, raising his voice.

"Y-yes sir?" Lieutenant Makoto asked.

"Did you know that fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on auto insurance?"

Nobody answered.

Gendo pulled a small remote control out of his jacket. "It was a joke. You can either laugh, or I can trigger NERV's self-destruct mechanism."

Central Dogma rang with forced, panicked laughter.

/ / /

Ramiel paused, observing the black-clad Lilim approaching him.

Gendo coughed. "You are the fifth angel? The angel of thunder, Ramiel?"

Ramiel hummed in the affirmative.

Gendo started to pull his gloves off. "I see. Did you know that my anniversary is coming up soon? I promised my wife the most beautiful ring I could find; a truly unique specimen."

The semi-mad scientist cracked his knuckles. "And you're the stone."

/ / /

"Hey, Hikari-san?"

"Shinji! We're in the middle of class! Can't it wait?" The class rep hissed.

Shinji blinked, nonplussed. "I'm just wondering… What happened? It seems like the class is smaller than usual."

Hikari frowned. "I have no idea. I'd assume that they're playing hooky." She frowned at him. "You really shouldn't have let Misato-san show them Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

"I can't help it!" Shinji shighed. "You know how Misato-san gets when she's tipsy…"

"Valid poi-"

The classroom's door opened, letting Toji, Kensuke, and Rei in. All three of them were wearing black and white tuxedos, black fedoras, and blocky black shades.

Rei spoke. "Oppa Gangnam Style."

From the middle of nowhere, a rather funky beat started to blare. The Stooges started to dance an odd dance; it appeared to be mimicking riding a horse and twirling a lasso.

"Oppa Gangnam Style!" The three shouted in unison, an explosion going off behind them.

The teacher let his face fall onto his desk. "I'm _way _too old for this shit…" He muttered.

/ / /

Mari was free-floating in an empty white space.

"Hello? I-Is anybody out there?"

Black lines began to form in front of the young girl. She blinked, watching the lines form words.

**"I HAVE NOT SEEN THE END OF EVANGELION. I DO NOT KNOW YOUR CHARACTER."**

Mari growled. "Then why don't you learn about my character? And wait, what the hell is the End of Evangelion!?"

She did not receive a response.

"Nyoro~n…"

/ / /

Makoto went to Burger King and bought himself a Whopper.

He took it home and ate it while watching Dirty Harry.

He cried.

/ / /

Gendo Ikari woke with a start, gasping at the feeling of the cold steel against his neck.

"Hello, Commander…" A familiar voice whispered.

"L-Lieutenant Ibuki!" Gendo wheezed, trying to understand what the hell was going on. "What the fuck do you think you're doing!?"

She chuckled. It was not a happy sound. "Surely you jest, Commander. You know perfectly damn well why I'm here."

Gendo gulped. "I don't know!"

Maya fixed a death stare on her superior. "Dr. Akagi."

"What about her?"

Maya gritted her teeth, eyes blazing with a feverish, unhallowed light. _"She. Is. MINE!_ Keep your filthy mitts off of her!"

"… What." Gendo deadpanned. "You broke into my home, put a knife up to my neck; you're jealous because I, unlike you, can get into Dr. Akagi's pants."

"Pretty much, yeah."

Gendo paused for a moment. "I knew I hired you for a reason… _Captain _Ibuki."

"R-really?" Maya cried, tears of joy forming in her eyes.

"Fuck no!" Gendo roared, kicking the yandere off, grabbing his gun, and filling her full of lead."

Gendo looked at the bloody corpse. He looked at his gun. He blew on the gun's muzzle.

"Don't fuck with Gendo."

/ / /

Gendo Ikari woke with a start, gasping at the feeling of the cold steel against his neck.

"Hello, Commander…" A familiar voice whispered.

"L-Lieutenant Ibuki!" Gendo wheezed, trying to understand what the hell was going on. "What the fuck do you think you're doing!?"

She chuckled. It was not a happy sound. "Surely you jest, Commander. You know perfectly damn well why I'm here."

Gendo gulped. "I don't know!"

Maya fixed a death stare on her superior. "Dr. Akagi."

"What about her?"

Maya gritted her teeth, eyes blazing with a feverish, unhallowed light. _"She. Is. MINE!_ Keep your filthy mitts off of her!"

"… What." Gendo deadpanned. "You broke into my home, put a knife up to my neck; you're jealous because I, unlike you, can get into Dr. Akagi's pants."

"Pretty much, yeah."

Gendo paused for a moment. "I knew I hired you for a reason… _Captain _Ibuki."

"R-really?" Maya cried, tears of joy forming in her eyes.

"Of course." Gendo said, pushing the knife away from his jugular. "Besides, I can't have sex with hot chicks for a long, long time."

Maya blinked. "I-Is that even possible?"

Gendo leveled his thousand-yard stare at the captain. "Due to a certain… Unfortunate accident, my boner is broken. I cannot have sex for… About a year."

"Oh…" Maya said. "I'm sorry to hear that, Commander. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well…" Gendo started.

_Later…_

Maya was in heaven. In all her years on earth, never before had she been so happy. Granted, she was naked. And granted, she was being videotaped.

But hot damn, the Reiquariam was _awesome!_

/ / /

Shinji stared up at the night sky. "Hey…"

"Yes, Shinji-kun?" Kaoru asked.

"Sometimes I wonder…"

"About what?" Asuka demanded. "C'mon, Baka! Spit it out!"

"Well… I get the feeling that OXYCODONEFROG is running out of ideas for this fic."

Rei nodded. "I agree. What we are doing right now is nothing but a pathetic, thinly-veiled attempt to bolster this fic's word count."

Asuka snorted. "Seriously, the guy writes fan fiction! Hell, even _Shinji_ isn't as pathetic as that stimulant-riddled basement dweller!"

"… Er… Thanks?"

"You're welcome, my favorite piece of ass."

Kaoru sighed. "I'm not sure why I'm even here. I remember Shinji-kun decapitating me."

"I said I was sorry…"

"And I have forgiven you. After all, I got better."

"Did you really just reference Monty Python?" Asuka growled.

Rei cleared her throat. "If Asuka weighs as much as a duck, she is a witch."

"Can it, Emo-Barbie."

"I am certain you would want to can me, Second child."

Asuka blinked in confusion. "… That doesn't make any sense whatsoever."

"That's what she said." Rei replied.

Shinji groaned. "I knew she shouldn't have become a channer."

"We are Legion. Literally. Haven't you my spares floating around?"

Kaoru sighed. "It must be so boring for them, not even having music to listen to or books to read…"

"HOLD ON!" Asuka yelled, jumping to her feet. "This is just what he wants!"

Shinji cocked his head. "Who?"

"OXYCODONEFROG! Remember? He's pulling cheap shit to try to extend this fic's word count!"

Suddenly a skeleton popped out and ate Asuka.

The human and the two pseudo-angels cheered.

And so, the four built up a fire and ate smores, rejoicing in Asuka's demise.

/ / /

Kaji was walking down one of NERV's many corridors, whistling a cheery tune.

That tune turned into a shout of fright when Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, and Asuka fell out of the ceiling.

"H-Hey!" The Casanova shouted. "Are you all okay?"

"BOTHER HIM!" Misato screeched, jumping to her feet and bum-rushing her old flame.

Kaji gulped, taking in the ring of women surrounding him. "So… How's it going?"

The girls rushed. Kaji flinched…

And started to bounce around as the females started to push him while shouting "BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!"

Kaji groaned. "Ladies, ladies! One at a time!"

/ / /

So… Yeah.

I cannot dignify what I wrote.


End file.
